I've been reading a lot of websites about Fat Acceptance lately. Mainly Fat Nutritionist  Fatshionista and Kate Harding.  I've been struggling with it.  Thoughts run through my head like "But, we eat too much junk food.  Too much processed food.  Populations who eat traditional diets of more natural foods are not as fat as us, and we all know processed foods are bad for you no matter what you weigh, and they have additives that make you eat too much, and too many of us sit at desks all day when our bodies want us to run and play." 

So instead of the "Fat is Bad" belief, I've been of the "Processed foods and lack of exercise are bad" belief.  And since those things, for most people, lead to fatness, then obviously fatness is a sign of unhealthy habits.  Not all the time, not for everyone, but when you look at the statistics and average it out for a whole population, the fatter the people the more junk food that country is eating.

And you know what? I am not going to abandon that belief entirely, but what I am learning from Fat Acceptance is that it isn't the whole story. And, it isn't the fault of the people who eat the processed foods.  Most people who eat mainly fast food or processed foods do it because they have no other options.  Fresh food is expensive.  I have been to grocery stores in poor neighborhoods, and trust me, in many of them, you wouldn't want the "fresh" produce anyway, even if you could afford it. 

But our fatness isn't coming just from our food.  It's coming from our relationships to food.  And our relationships to food, the way we think and feel about food, are getting screwed up.  Michelle the Fat Nutritionist calls us "dieting casualties."   What she says in several blog posts and comments is basically that when people are told what to do, and told they are "bad" if they do the "wrong" thing, they rebel.  Or they internalize these thoughts.  So society tells us we're bad if we eat the cookie, and we're good if we eat the broccoli.  So we go into these cycles of denial and rebellion, punishment and reward, until we can't hear our own bodies telling us what they really need. And we just get fatter and fatter.  Or we become anorexic or bulimic. 

So really it's trying to lose weight that makes many of us gain weight.  I think at some points in my life I've actually been subconsciously trying to gain weight even when I consciously wanted to lose weight, since my subconscious kinda wanted to say "fuck you" to the world that kept telling me I should be hungry all the time, that I was bad and didn't deserve to eat things that taste good, that I was a failure who didn't deserve happiness until I could achieve a specific dress size.

So now I feel like I've finally started a journey towards eating competence. And it's kinda interesting. We just bought a whole bunch of fruit at the farmer's market.  Those of you who know me know I'm not really much of a fruit eater, but now that I'm starting to take the ideas of "being bad" and "being good" out of my vocabulary when it comes to eating, I am realizing that yes, actually, I do like fruit.  See, if eating fruit is viewed as "being good" by society, and my naturally contrarian personality makes me want to give the finger to society, then I'm gonna be eating potato chips even if my cravings say fruit. 

I'm not sure where this journey will take me.  I hope I get more energy, more happiness, and less insanity, worry, and anxiety about food. If I end up losing weight, then fine.  If I end up gaining, that's fine too.

Is it wrong that I am relieved that my (slight) raise from the beginning of the year was taken back, along with with the extra responsibilities that had come with it? The fuzzily defined, sort of impossible, definitely irritating responsibilities that were actually in my boss's job description to begin with, but she just didn't know how to do them, and definitely didn't know how to train me to do them, that I never actually asked for in the first place, and drew focus away from my main responsibility? Actually, I remember when my new stuff was explained to me, (vaguely) and I was like "So, does this mean I'm no longer in charge of a class?" because seriously, how can a person be in two places at once? And I was told that no, actually, I'd still be in charge of a class and I was like "Bwah huh? Really? But I can come in early to do this extra stuff, right?" and I was told "If you have to, but try not to." So, you know, my choices recently have been, like: which thing do I want to be yelled at for not doing, because I definitely can't make all of this happen. So, yeah, they finally realized that it is stupid to have someone in charge of a class and in charge of all that other stuff too which should really be our boss's job.

so, yay! A trusted mechanic inspected the car and said it looks great. Now I can be nervous about: insurance company still hasn't emailed me the log in so I can print my temporary card, dealership hasn't called to let me know they got the fax from the insurance company showing I have full coverage.

Yesterday afternoon, I go to start my car and again it goes chugga chugga chugga but no vroom. Engine won't turn over. Loren tried to jump start it (which I was like, it's not the battery, because the lights and radio are on, but go ahead and try) and it didn't work. Since I've been sitting on a few thousand just waiting until I had the time to research and shop for cars, I decided instead of hitch-hiking to work I'd stay home and do that.

So, within my price range I found one dealership near us that had 6 cars that were on the Consumer Reports list of best used cars. We went there when Loren got home from work, and two of the cars from the internet were still being cleaned and checked out and stuff so they weren't available, and one additional one the guy showed me that I couldn't afford, and then back to the first one we'd looked at which I'd initially passed over because no power locks/windows, I test drove it and actually liked it a lot. A 2007 Hyundai Accent. So, I bought it. I've never bought a car before, and I have no credit history, and Loren had to cosign with me, and we still didn't get a great interest rate but I can afford the payments and it's a 3 year loan instead of a 5 year like the guy was trying to get me to get for a more expensive car.

And now I've barely slept because we didn't have an independent mechanic check it out so I'm all panicky that something major is wrong with it. It is still under the manufacturer's warranty which covers the transmission, drive train, and gasoline system, but what if it has electrical issues? Or leaky . . . whatever? Or the brakes are about to go? Or it needs new tires? And I know we should have had a mechanic look at it, but what mechanics are open at 9:00 at night? And how do you even take a car to a mechanic if you don't own it yet? So yeah, I'm all stressed out now, so I'll be calling a mechanic as soon as they open to see if I can bring the car for an inspection. But it's too late to not buy it, so I hope the car is in good shape.

So, ok, a while back I noticed that Loren's friend Sarah (Hi Sarah! *waves*) had posted a comment to something that my friend Mikey had posted on FB. Which probably means they know each other. I only met Sarah through Loren last year, but I've known Mikey since I was . . . 19 or 20? Shit really? Wow. Anyway, every time I think I'm meeting new people, turns out they're not really new, they're just old people I haven't met yet.

So, this guy on Facebook messaged me. See, if someone wants to friend me on there, and we have friends in common, I'll go ahead and friend them even if I really have no idea who they are. So anyway, this guy starts chatting with me, and we exchange pleasantries, and he mentions having seen me at Dragoncon and that at first he didn't realize who I was. So, I can't really keep hiding the fact that I don't know who he is, so I come out and ask. And, well, ok, now I don't feel so bad for not remembering, because he took his wife's last name when they married. Oh, and I haven't seen him since I was like, 14, which was . . . yeah, 20 years ago. TWENTY.

So, ok, I vaguely remembered his former name, but still couldn't quite place him. And he was all "Um. We dated for a bit?" Then I was like, O.M.G. Did you also go out with Chelsea? Who was my best friend at the time? And you dumped me for her? And then dumped her for me? Like, a few times, back and forth? And you drove us crazy? And he was like "Um, yeah, sorry about that."

Yeah. He was totally the guy we did a Ritual over. Yes, with a capital R. All occult and spooky. We took his stuff, stuff he'd given us or left at our houses, and we took it down to the running track, and we sprayed it with hairspray, and we lit it on fire. And then the fire wouldn't go out. So we had to run and grab clumps of dirt to throw on it. Which was, of course, hilarious to us at the time, and went a long way towards getting over him. I'd remembered the Ritual, and how ridiculous it was, but I'd totally forgotten who the guy was.

So, we chatted, and I checked out some of his pictures, and noticed that one of my DragonCon friends had commented on it, and it turns out he's known some of my friends from 'con for years. I kind of wanna be all "Hey, did you know your friend drove me to the occult when I was 14?"

I thought it was kind of sweet that he was all contrite for having put us through all that. We were kids. None of us knew what the hell we were doing. All is forgiven.

My favorite fall/winter pants, the purple velvet ones, don't fit anymore.  I mean, I can get them on, but they're not supposed to be tight, and they are. 

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I finally finished my costume for DragonCon!



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My costume for DragonCon is almost finished. Ok, it's been almost finished for like, months, but now it's really almost finished. I like the way it's looking, but as I've mentioned to a few people, I realized my wings aren't actually steampunk. There's no steam power, no clockwork. They open and close by pulling a string, that's it. So I guess they're stringpunk? Anyhizzle, all I have left to do now is add some grommets and lacing to the bottom part of the pants, and possibly get different socks at Target. I like the current socks, they're just not as soft as the Target ones.

p.s. My heart is with you, Charlie Bear. *hugs*

I don't feel like I've been eating like a pig lately, yet somehow my weight goes up and up and up. I eat mostly healthy stuff, and not outrageous portions, but then I do have a cookie or two for dessert, or some ice cream, or a piece of cake. Not, mind you, a whole cake. A normal sized slice. And like, if I have dessert, I gain a whole pound the next day. I suppose eating like a normal person just will not help me lose weight, so I'll have to do the whole rabbit food and nothing else plan if I want to lose any weight. *sigh*